Life of a GM
I’m often asked what’s it like being a goalie mom. This question is usually followed
up by some variation of the phrase, “I could never handle being in your shoes” or “I don’t know how you do it”. Welp, that makes two of us sometimes...
The goalie is the only individual position on a team sport. (Yes, I know I said that before, and I’m going to say it again, and again, and again... you get the picture.) It’s also one of the only positions where you will be remembered as much for what you do wrong as much as what you get right. So think about that for a moment. Other than Ovechkin Jr.’s parents no one is going to remember when Ovi Jr. whiffed on that easy open net shot halfway through the 2nd period. But EVERYONE will not only remember when your mini Holtby missed a 3rd rebound save but will REMIND everyone else of this incident for the rest of the season any time a similar incident occurs.
As a goalie parent your mindset of the game changes significantly. Think about it - your young Holtby is the target of the opposing team. Head hunters are out, sharks are sniffing for blood in the water or a chink in the armor to exploit. One season the kid was consistently short a man due to penalties. Lost track of the number of 5-3’s that season. Not easy to watch. If your team is having a blow out game your heart breaks for the kid in the other net because you know what they are going through. As a general rule we do not talk about games in the car, backseat coaching does little to improve performance. Games get recorded and edited down, when the kid is ready to watch the video it’s there and if something really off the wall occurred the video goes to the goalie coach.
To deal with all of the shenanigans that you will face in your journey a goalie mom must develop certain traits and behaviors, both in and out of the rink, to keep not only their sanity but to keep from having to set up a bail fund with a bail bondsman on speed dial on your phone. Here are a few of my go-to tips, feel free to use as needed.
- Embrace social distancing, especially during games.
I am a HUGE fan of social distancing during games. Why? Because many sports parents don’t know the difference between youth hockey and the NHL. Seriously. The most obnoxious fans I’ve ever met have been at youth hockey tournaments. And once they know who you are, 7 out of 10 times (especially when alcohol is involved) their behavior gets worse. Parents pounding on glass, screaming obscenities, doing anything they can to pull your kid off their game so their kid can score that superstar goal and be the ‘hero’. Did I mention this was 12u? Slow your roll there, Psycho, I didn’t know the Philadelphia Eagles ran a fan bus to the local hockey tourney.
- Invest in warm clothing.
The appropriate jacket/parka/lined straight jacket provide you warmth, will allow you to become the world’s coldest tortoise and can be a great way to discourage distracting conversations from parents that suddenly want to tell you about their entire binge watching weekend of Tiger King in vivid detail. No Diane, I really don’t care about redneck mullets, illegal tiger cub sales, Carol Baskin, and I have zero interest in whether her missing husband is buried next to Jimmy Hoffa at Giants Stadium. Keep back up clothing in the trunk, along with an extra water bottle, spare roll of hockey tape, first aid kit, and a bottle of industrial strength Tylenol. You will thank me later.
- Learn how to keep a ‘neutral’ face.
This is a make or break skill you must master to step into the elite levels of the GMM. Practice at home in front of a mirror. Hone it like the fine art that it is. I still can’t do it 100% of the time. Believe me, I want to - but alas, I may slip from time to time. I can dependably switch on resting bitch face, so at least there’s that.
- Develop thick skin and, when needed, deaf ears.
Personally I’m a big fan of sharkskin suits. Tough with lots of teeth. You are going to hear crap, tons of it, throughout your career as a goalie mom. Ignoring it is easier said than done, but be prepared for it. Remember that bus load of Eagles fans from earlier? They make appearances throughout the season. Sometimes you may even discover a few hiding on your kids team. To engage with them is like engaging in political discussions on Facebook- a ton of “I’m right no matter what you try and tell me so let me beat my opinions like the dead horse they are”. Save your breath, and your brain cells, for loftier interactions.
- Know when (and where) to draw the line.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it happens. You have that one parent - be it on your team or at a game - that is just a total asshole. So there you are, on THAT hill. You know which one I mean. THAT hill. The one you have chosen to die on. The line has been crossed, here comes full strength Momma Bear mode. If someone is in full strength trash mode I’m stepping up to the plate like Sammy Sosa ready to swing for the fences. If nice doesn’t work then bitch mode it is. I taught middle and high school for 12 years, I’ve worked around horses for well over 20 years - I’ll go toe to toe with you with the most polite southern smile on my face that you have ever seen. Watch me. I’ll be blessing hearts left, right, and center with a smile on my face. If you find yourself in this position then do what you need to do, but do it with grace and tack. Remember everything in youth sports goes in circles, you will definitely see these people again somewhere down the line!
2 football references, 1 baseball reference, and you can guess which hockey team. 😜 Go enjoy it out there, Goalie Mommas!
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