The Smell of Death, AKA The Goalie Bag

Something died in my car, y’all!

It happened. I left the damn goalie bag in the back of the SUV. In Florida. In July... which is the equivalent of leaving a 2 day old roadkill opossum in a sauna with the temperature cranked up as high as possible. I almost DIED, y’all! My poor SUV; no matter how many air fresheners, baking soda boxes, or upholstery sprays I use... my poor SUV will never be the same. It’s like Chernobyl, the after effects are for-ev-er.

 Once upon a time I didn’t have to worry about these things. Back when the kid was little and cute - and didn’t stink. Back when I could just swing that bag in back like it was nothing because it was still smaller than me. Just throw that wet gear over some hangers and let to dry, base layers in the wash - BAM! Then it happened.

Puberty. 😳🤢

My cute little goalie became a reeking Jr. Hulk. Did I mention he smells? I buy deodorant for him but it doesn’t help! What is wrong with this child? Why doesn’t that new baby smell last longer? Better yet - why are they so amused about reeking so much I can actually see faint green lines rising above his head? 

I wash base layers in enough Oxiclean to make my own life sized snow globe. 

I miss the days when I could actually pull his goalie bag out of the car without the questioning and slightly terrified looks from strangers who are now questioning their safety while nervously eyeing the jumbo size body bag now at my feet. 

I have now accepted that no matter how much I try to explain that the bag in front of me is, in fact, not a body bag but is just full of goalie gear will inevitably fall on deaf ears because it reeks like Death incarnate. People watch too much CSI and The First 48 these days...

Then I get what I call ‘Bonus Smells’. Believe it or not I do actually have other pursuits outside of being a chauffeur, equipment manager, sports therapist, fry cook, master scheduler, (insert whatever else here). I have a horse! So from time to time I have hay bales (think grass smell), horse tack (love the leather smell), and dirty saddle pads (let’s add sweaty horse smell to sweaty hockey smell - BONUS POINTS!) The eternal battle rages on...

You know what I would love? A gift certificate for a full car detailing! This will now be my standing request for every major holiday from now till the end of time. 

Then out of the blue I got a second car. It’s a Miata. 😂 There shall be no hockey smell! (Who am I fooling... it will find a way... somehow...)

Keeping it real, Goalie Mommas! 

Vonn 

Goalie Mom Mafia